My name is Julie Myatt and I am insectivorous primate.

‘This joke’s funny eh? It’ll make you larf, ma lav’ 

aka

 ‘Thus joke’s funay. Ut’ll make ya roar, pal’

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'

VIZ TOP TIP

TV news reporters. Intersperse your interviews with footage of yourself nodding like a twat. This will help viewers appreciate that what’s being said is important and correct.

TODAY I WILL MOSTLY BE….

rubbing TCP into my infected midge bite

JERSEY AND WEST LINTON WEATHER FORECAST BROUGHT TO YOU BY JOOLS

JERSEY’S FORECAST, BY CRI

Alrart eh? I reckon it’ll be abat 17 dergrees, mon vie. The sun’ll be ett too. So if you desard to empty your pots it’ll be a lovely day, ma coq.

IS IT GONNAE RAIN AGAIN IN WEST LINTON?

Rain? West Linton? A hae nae thochtie. Ah stopped lookin’ at th’ forecest coz it was makin’ me boak.

REALLY? I DIDN’T KNOW THAT

Apparently midges are attracted to the carbon dioxide that we breathe out. 

Boo’s Bulletin

I went for a walk with Paul and the dogs the other evening and we had huge clouds of flesh eating midges around us. I was making a fuss and waving my arms around and grumbling about it. Paul rolled his eyes and said if I stopped moaning so much then there would be less carbon dioxide for them to home in on. I didn’t realise until that stage that midges were attracted to the gas we exhale, so armed with this new information I decided that they would go away if I held my breath for a while. Wanting to stop breathing for the maximum amount of time I took a dramatically colossal breath and…….. inhaled about 6 million midges. So, in addition to waving my arms around like a demented windmill (do windmills dement?) I was also choking on and spitting out those vile insects. 

WORD DU JOUR

Boak: (Scottish slang) to be sick

You could use it in a sentence like this:

‘Ah wisht ah’d washed ma jumper efter ah boaked oan ut last week. It’s pure bowfin noo, so ut is…’

JOOLS  TRANSLATES FOR YOU

For the benefit of my Jersey followers (all 3 of you). Here is the translation:

‘You awright ma lav? I went to The Farmers the other naght and had one too many parnts, eh? I puked on my jumper bat ar forgot to wosh it, ma coq. It stinks lark rotting vraic nah.’

LIFE ADVICE

Take weak, shallow breathes around midges and keep ya gob firmly shut.

THINGS THAT GET ON MY WICK

1. People tapping
2. People fiddling with things
3. People

THE FUNNY STORY

A few years ago in West Linton there were a couple of fires and I had convinced myself that an arsonist was on the loose in the village. 

One night I let the dogs out before we went to bed and I smelt burning outside. Having been in the police, I have attended a number of fires and I know what a house fire smells like. I was convinced that I could smell a burning building and that the arsonist had attacked again. I therefore ran inside and told Paul. He rolled his eyes and ignored me. But there was no stopping me.  I dialled 999 and told them that I was an ex police officer and I knew what a  burning building smelt like and that I thought there was an arsonist on the loose in the village and a house was on fire. They immediately sent the fire service to our area. However, as I was wandering around outside looking for the fire and/or arsonist, I noticed that as I moved away from our house the smell became less apparent. I used to be a detective too so I surmised that something must be burning near our house and it was then that I remembered….a couple of hours earlier I had been grumbling at Paul because he was wearing hiking socks that had holes in them, so in order to stop me from going on about it he put them in the wood burning stove. Oh dear. I had smelt burning socks not a burning house. I was mortified. Paul rolled his eyes (he rolls his eyes a lot at things I do) and told me to call them back and cancel them. I was too embarrassed and said ‘quick lets go to bed, put the lights out and don’t answer the door when they arrive.’  He was having none of it and made me call back. I had to dial 999 again too because I didn’t know how else to contact them. I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth so I said I had left the iron on and it had overheated.