'Cos if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it....'

‘This joke’s funny eh? It’ll make you larf, ma lav’ 

aka

 ‘Thus joke’s funay. Ut’ll make ya roar, pal’

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives - Billy Connolly

Grandchildren can be [swear word that begins with F] annoying. How many times can you go, ‘and now the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel - Joan Rivers

TODAY I WILL MOSTLY BE….

….wondering if people with a prosthetic leg wear a sock. Honest, the most bizarre things pop into my head sometimes. I am going to record them on here and then show them to Paul to see if I need to up my medication.

VIZ TOP TIP

Jury foremen - add suspense to a verdict by saying ‘we the jury find the defendant…’ and then leave a two minute pause before delivering the verdict whilst another juror plays a low roll on a kettle drum.

JERSEY AND WEST LINTON WEATHER FORECAST BROUGHT TO YOU BY JOOLS

JERSEY’S FORECAST, BY CRI

‘Sunny intervils, mon vie, bat not as hot, eh. You won’t need to ‘ave the air con full blast when you are stuck in traffic on the way to taan.’ 

IS IT GONNAE RAIN AGAIN IN WEST LINTON?

‘Th’ sin is gonnae come oot and uts gonnae be quite warm’ (note from Julie - I’ll believe it when I see it)

REALLY? I DIDN’T KNOW THAT

Boo’s Bulletin

As I am sure you know the conservative chairman, Christopher Shales sadly died yesterday at Glastonbury. The police have stated that there are no suspicious circumstances. A Conservative spokesman told BBC news that ‘[Shales] may have had health problems.’ Errrrr, yes, very astute. I would say that he had very serious health problems, in fact the worst you could get. 

Positive things about Scotland

I feel as if I have been a bit negative about Scotland in my last few posts so here are some encouraging aspects to living here:

1. My skin doesn’t get sun damaged
2. I never suffer from prickly heat
3. There’s never a hosepipe ban
4. Tesco
5. Sainsbury
6. Asda
7. Morrisons
8. My curtains don’t fade in the sunlight
9. Dunelm Mill
10. Primark
11. The Edinburgh Festival
12. You can stop using your fridge in October and just put your perishables in a box outside
13. You can stop using your freezer in December and just put your frozen food in a box outside
14. Men do not look strange if they wear a skirt
15. There is lots for entomologists to study if they specialise in flying insects that have nasty bites
16. Sean Connery

WORD DU JOUR

Assuage: to satisfy an appetite or desire

Here is how you could use that word in a sentence....'if you are counting calories, rice cakes will not assuage your hunger because they taste, feel and look like polystyrene and you will forcefully and uncontrollably huey them up.'

Interestingly and going back to ‘Really? I didn’t know that,’ I found this out when I was browsing wiki….

…..’it is quite common that, when one person vomits, others nearby become nauseated, particularly when smelling the vomit of others, often to the point of vomiting themselves. It is believed that this is an evolved trait among primates. Many primates in the wild tend to browse for food in small groups. Should one member of the party react adversely to some ingested food, it may be advantageous (in a survival sense) for other members of the party also to vomit.’

Why are there bishops in the wild? Have they been shunned by the Christian church? I have a vision of ostracised clergymen creeping around in small groups and stealing vegetables from someone’s allotment. One of them accidentally eats a pesky caterpillar on a lettuce (see yesterday’s blog with regard to lettuce and caterpillars) and that bishop barfs, then they all simultaneously ralph all over the show.

Oh, I think I’ve gone off on a tangent.

JOOLS  TRANSLATES FOR YOU

'Och, it’s tay hot' translates in Jersey into 'ah by cri, the temprata ‘as dropped a bit eh, I’m going to have to dig at ma jumpa me eh.'

LIFE ADVICE

Have a serious word with yourself if you think you can dance like Beyonce (see below).

THINGS THAT GET ON MY WICK

1. John Humphreys when he is acting like a Jack Russell with PMT and won’t let the interviewee get a word in edgeways
2. Authors who put quotes from famous authors at the beginning of their chapters to make them appear more literary
3. Wii’s ‘Just Dance’ (see below)
4. Rubbing dry skin on brushed nylon. Blurk.
5. Adam Sandler

THE FUNNY STORY

I love dancing and I love Beyonce’s ‘Put a Ring on It’ dance routine, I’ve watched it countless times on YouTube and pictured myself doing it. So imagine my delight when Wii brought out a dance game with that routine on it, I wanted to get fit so it seemed an ideal way to exercise at home. I put it on whilst home alone one day (thank goodness I was alone) with dreams of amazing others with my talent for modern dance routines. Maybe Beyonce would get to hear about me  if I posted myself on YouTube and she would ask me to accompany her on stage. I could see myself beside her with my head going side to side like an owl and pointing to my ring finger with my other hand splayed. I’d even bought the leotard from clothesforbloaters.com 

Sadly, it is not to be. After hours of practicing it over and over, I have finally realised that I really have no ability whatsoever to dance. My co-ordination is ineffective; I am unable to synchronise my legs and arms in time together. I look like someone on psychostimulants being continually poked with a low voltage cattle prod. Paul says that it is because my brain is wired up differently and it’s why I fall over a lot and bump into things and am crap at skiing. I am devastated. He say’s it’s endearing.