FUNGAL FEET INFECTION

‘This joke’s funny eh? It’ll make you larf, ma lav’ 

aka

 ‘Thus joke’s funay. Ut’ll make ya roar, pal’

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. Laura Kightlinger

VIZ TOP TIP

Today’s top tip really made me laugh. Is it just me or is it particularly funny?

Boiled eggs cut in half vertically and with the yolk removed, make idea miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

TODAY I WILL MOSTLY BE….

…spraying a drop of Mr Sheen in the air just before Paul gets home to make him think I’ve done some housework when in fact I’ve been procrastinating over my blog and Facebook all day.

JERSEY AND WEST LINTON WEATHER FORECAST BROUGHT TO YOU BY JOOLS

JERSEY’S FORECAST, BY CRI

Narce and sunny, eh.

IS IT GONNAE RAIN AGAIN IN WEST LINTON?

I feel as if I have been picking on Scotland a bit so I’m not going to moan about the weather in a Scottish accent. I’m going to use a rather well spoken accent, old boy.

I’m terribly sorry but tomorrow it is going to rain. Well I say. It will be warm but not ideal for shooting daaaaarrrliiiing. One thinks the midges will be out in force. Goodness me. One rathah likes Scotland despite the unfortunate weahthah. Oh do stop it you old tease. It will simply be rotten if it rains too much.  Jolly good show old bean.

Boo’s Bulletin

Toe nails are vile and as far as I can see they have no purpose in life; an evolutionary left over. I really, really hate toe nails. Even if they are healthy they are awful. Unhealthy ones are offensive and we should have evolved to be toeless.  Our feet should have no toes at the end of them and then we could avoid things like this…

WORD DU JOUR

Onychomycosis - means fungal infection of the nail. 

You could use it in a sentence like this…

He admitted that he had married her because she had a fine pair of baps but unfortunately she couldn’t cook and her mushroom pasta tasted and looked like onychomycosis.

JOOLS  TRANSLATES FOR YOU

Dae ya have onie Canesten fur mah fungal feet infection, pal? 

translates into

Awright mon vie? Aahm avin some problims with ma feet me eh. If yoor goin into taan can you get me some Canesten ma lav. Ah dant need the pessarys though eh.

THINGS THAT GET ON MY WICK

1. Paul Daniels
2. Paul Daniels toes

THE FUNNY STORY

This is a really short sketch I wrote recently. I needed to send in a sample of my sketch writing to apply for a place on a screenplay course. You had to write about ‘Belonging.’

FADE IN:

INT. GLASGOW FACTORY SEWING MACHINE ROOM. DAY

Two heavily made up young women in their late teens rush in. Sit at the machines at the back of the room packed with other machinists. The two girls have strong Scottish accents.

AILSA

It’s okay. Miss McBride hasnae even noticed we’re late.

RHONA

Miss McBride of Dracula disnae notice anything.

AILSA

Okay, teel me when she’s no lookin’.

RHONA

She’s no lookin’. You know, she’s ne’er looking. So, why do you always ask me to teel you when she’s nae lookin’.

BRITNEY is sitting in front of of them listening to their conversation. BRITNEY has a strong Geordie accent and appears plain compared to glamorous RHONA and AILSA

BRITNEY

(whispers)

Aareet, hoo ya gannin'? She’s defnitely not lookin', Ailsa

AILSA and RHONA cannot believe BRITNEY has spoken to them

RHONA

What's it gotta do with yous?

BRITNEY

Give ower, I'm just trying to help.

AILSA

Well dinnae.

AILSA and RHONA roll their eyes and huddle together conspiratorially 

RHONA

I’m needin’ a sort oot my hair

RHONA takes an extension cord and GHD straighteners from her bag, surrepticiously plugs it in nearby

AILSA

Ah like having Bride of Dracula supervising us.She ne'er pays attention… another planet, she is. Look, she’s oan her laptop. Ah bet she’s oan Facebook.

BRITNEY

She’s neet actually. Look (holds up her i-phone) she’s on Twitter.

AILSA

(displeased) Ah wish ah cood afford an i-phone

RHONA

Aye, me too.

RHONA hands AILSA her cheap looking mobile phone.

RHONA

Ah need to charge it up. Can yoos plug ut in for me?

BRITNEY

I’ll dee it if yee want.

AILSA

Keep yar beak oot of ut, Britney. (to Rhona)I shood probably charge mine tay.

AILSA reaches over plugs in the phone. The two Scottish women start to put on make-up and attend to their hair.

RHONA

Ut’s nice to hae this time tae get ready in the mornings.

AILSA

Aye, so it is. Work really encroaches oan oor lives.

RHONA

Encroaches. That’s a big word yoo’re usin’ there

AILSA

Aye, I heard Alex Tin of Pink Salmond say it th' other day. Words tae the effect of (directly to Britney)the Sassenach are encroachin' oan our lives tay much

RHONA

He ne'er did?

AILSA

Nae you wee neap, but uhm sure he would if he could

RHONA

Och right. By the way I bought us some scran (digs into bag and takes out two cans of Irn Bru and two muffins). They've got breakfast muffins oan offer at Greggs. Full of oats and pumpkin seeds. Me maw says it'll keep me regular like.

BRITNEY

Me mam says All Bran does the trick...or Weetabix.

AILSA and RHONA are disgusted by her input

AILSA

(sniffing muffin) It's nae foosty is ut? What's th' seel (sic) by date?

RHONA

If you're hungry you'll eat ut.

AILSA

(takes a bite and pulls a face) Ugh I'm gonnae boak. Where's ma Barrbru? (slurps from Irn Bru) Dae ya want ut? (offers muffin to BRITNEY who is overjoyed to be included)

BRITNEY

(woofing it down) Wey aye, that's champion. Thank yee.

AILSA and RHONA start to put on make-up

AILSA

(looking intently in compact) Diz mah silver eye-shadow look alright. 

RHONA

Aye it looks cool.

AILSA

Me maw says I wear tae much make-up, but what does she ken?

RHONA

Ah know. Me maw says the same thing (imitating her mother) 'What ya puttin' aw that mince oan yer coopon. Yer skin is so young an' bonnie.'

RHONA and AILSA giggle together over the impersonation.

BRITNEY

(laughs too much) Me mam says the same.

RHONA and AILSA frown over at her

AILSA

Ya dinnae wear make up.

BRITNEY

Ah know but if ah did ah bet me mam would sa that an'aaal. 

RHONA

Fur fucks sake, Britney. Gie a life. (to AILSA) You wantin' to go for a wee bevvy later.

AILSA

Aye, I could do with gettin' blootered. This place diz mah heed in.

BRITNEY

Me an' all, it does it reet in. 

RHONA

(to BRITNEY) Yoo're doing my heed in hen. (To AILSA) Do you have onie lip gloss?

AILSA

I do have some lippy, right enough. Ya want Pink Brandy ur Moccha Latte.

RHONA

A white wine spritzer'll do me.

AILSA and RHONA briefly laugh but BRITNEY laughs too much again and stops abruptly when she sees the other two looking at her strangely

RHONA

(holding hand out for a lipstick) Either'll dae.

AILSA

(to BRITNEY) You could be doing with wearing a bit mair make up.

RHONA

Aye, ya need one of them Glasgee makeovers. Tae bad she doesn't ask us fur help, eh Ailsa? 

By the end of this scene RHONA and AILSA have piled on the make-up and are looking particularly gaudy. BRITNEY looks wide eyed into the camera at the thought of looking like them.

Julie Myatt ©