There's a mus musculus in the hoose

I’ve finally decided to start a blog. I was kinda using Facebook as a blog but I think I prefer to start a real life one instead. I am not sure what it’s going to be all about but I know I want it to make you larf, mon vie. 

I want to start each entry with a joke  but the sub heading ‘joke of the day’ is unimaginative and dreary so I want to call it either

‘This joke’s funny eh? It’ll make you larf, ma lav’ 

Or, as we like to say up here

 ‘Thus joke’s funay. Ut’ll make ya roar, pal’

Anyhow, here’s the joke (btw, it’s based on someone elses joke I found on the web, I’m not clever enough to think of jokes that are funny):

‘I don’t own a mobile or a landline. I just hang around everyone I know all the time. So if someone wants to get hold of me, they just say “Julie” and I say “what?” and turn my head slightly to look at them.’

VIZ TOP TIP

Some of you may know that I love Viz top tips, so here’s todays favourite one…

‘Give spiders the nailbiting experience of a real life Indiana Jone adventure by tipping them down a cardboard tube whilst slowly closing the lower end with a playing card. For added excitement roll a Ferrero Rocher down the tube and have a friend insert cocktail sticks through the side at regular intervals.’

I am also interested in the weather so I will give you tomorrows forecast. As I have a dual life - one in Jersey, by cri and one in West Linton, Scootlund, I will give you one of each:

JERSEY’S FORECAST, BY CRI

Tomorrow will be cloudy ma lav and qwart hot, arand 14 dergreees. Actually thats not verry hot at all, eh? The taads not aaht until about farv thirty so you could collect some winkles in the evening, ma cock.

IS IT GONNAE RAIN AGAIN IN WEST LINTON?

Urr ye a’richt, pal? Uts gonnae be a scorcher th’ morraw. Nae rain. Seventeen degrees an sunny. Ah reckon yoo’ll ainlie git 15 midge bites.

WORD DU JOUR

I like language and words so I am going to have a word of the day…

Today’s word is actually two words and it’s ‘propelling pencil’. A propelling pencil is ‘a pencil with a thin lead that may be extended as the point is worn away.’ An example of how you could use it in a sentence is….

‘Please can I borrow your propelling pencil so I can shove it up the nostril of that cow I spoke to at my bank in Jersey about having an overdraft limit.’

JOOLS  TRANSLATES FOR YOU

I would also like to use this blog as a translation service. I am multi lingual and able to speak Jersey and Scoottish. I am going to be your very own phrase book if you are Scoottish and want to visit Jersey or vice versa. I like to be helpful in that way. Here is today’s phrase translated from Jersey to Scoottish. I’ll start with something simple for all my Jersey friends:

Ah yes, eh 

translates into 

och aye

If there is any other phrases you would like me to translate please let me know, I don’t charge.

THE FUNNY STORY

Okay, I guess I’ll finish with a funny poultry story. We keep birds - hens and killer cockerels (thats a different story I may tell later), geese, ducks and their various offspring. I also hatched a turkey called Twizzler. It’s a baby turkey and today’s interesting fact is that a baby turkey is called a ‘poult’. 

Here’s the funny story. Please feel free to laugh…

Before we had the chicken enclosure built, I had to reverse out of the drive slowly because there were always hens pecking around everywhere. They moved as soon as the shadow of the car hit them but you had to be careful and give them the time to step slowly out of the way. However, on this particular occasion one of my blonde Polish Chamois pullets called Billy (Polish Chamois’ hens have spikey blonde hair, I'll try and upload a photo) was either suicidal or distracted by a worm because I felt a wee bump as I reversed out. The blood in my veins froze - noooooooooo! Not Billy! As I had hatched her by hand, I loved her like my own. I swung open the car door and pounced out. I squealed like this… aaaaaaaaaagh! It was lying there on its side, one wing flapping helplessly. 

I ran inside screaming, ‘Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaul. I’ve run over Billy, but she’s still alive. Her wing’s flapping. I think she’s in death throes. Heeeeeeeeeelp.’

He had become immune to it all and walked outside with eyes rolling like a slot machine. 

‘Calm down, Boo.’

‘But it’ll be suffering darling. What will we do?’ I shrieked.

Billy lay there motionless except for the feathery flap of her wing.

‘See? I think she’s paralysed.’

‘Paralysed? It’s paralysed alright. It’s as dead as flippin’ doornail, love.’

‘Is it?’ I sniffed. ‘But it’s trying to fly - looooooooook.’

‘No, it’s not. Silly. It’s feathers are just flapping in the breeze. I promise it’s dead.’

I sniffed and frowned down at her. ‘Oh! Did she suffer?’

‘No. It would be equivalent to us being run over by a tank the size of Edinburgh Castle. Death would have been instaneous.’ 

‘Oh okay.’

‘We really need to get these birds enclosed love.’ He threw over his shoulder as he stalked back inside.

And that was the beginning of the plans for the chicken enclosure.

Le fin

Actually, something has happened whilst I was writing all of the above and it’s where I got the idea for the title of this particular entry - I’ll just cut n paste my Facebook profile updates to save me explaining it all again…..

Julie Myatt

has just had to phone my neighbour cos there is something moving in my log basket in the lounge and it might run up my troosers. Ugh.

Julie Myatt I thunk there's a moose in the hoose

Julie Myatt Ugh. I hate them. It was a killer mouse with sharp teeth and horrible little skinny feet and a vile tail and ugh. My skin is crawling. I love my neighbour and hope I didn't drive her too mad with the ridiculous screaming. Julie Myatt Oh my god, theres another one there. I'm going to have to abandon the lounge. I hope it can't open doors.My neighbour has gone to work now and cannot come back up. My skins crawling. Anyone in the village wanna come and get it for me? Julie Myatt The good news is that I managed to get hold of Paul, the bad news is that he won't come home from work to get it. He just told me to get a grip and did the dum dum Jaws theme then squeaked manically at the end. Right I'm going to Peebles High School to take Louis out of school, he can get rid of it.... Julie Myatt I am now writing in the bedroom and bloody Paul has just called back and said 'you know we've got them in the bedroom too, I can hear them scurrying around at night.' I'm going out. Bye