‘Ne’er trust a man who when left alone wi’ a tea cosy he doesnae try ut on.’

‘This joke’s funny eh? It’ll make you larf, ma lav’ 

aka

 ‘Thus joke’s funay. Ut’ll make ya roar, pal’

Today I am going to do a joke with a Scottish slant, so here’s one by Billy Connelly…

‘I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “morning.” He said, “no, just having a dump.”

And for my Jersey friends, eh…

The grate thing abaat the Waterfront is that if there’s a nuclear attack eh, it’ll look exactly the same afterwards, ma lav.

In taams parst, my parents used to take me to Touzels pet store in ‘alkett Place and tell me it twas the zoo. That twasn’t naase, eh?

VIZ TOP TIP

Dog owners: Avoid getting fined for failing to clean up after your pooch by carrying a joke shop dog poo around with you in a transparent polythene bag when you walk your pet.

REALLY? I DIDN’T KNOW THAT

This is an exciting new addition to my blog. I’m going to add interesting stuff to my blog that you may not know, fascinating facts so to speak. For example…

If you were to eat a whole family sized Dairy Milk bar (the ones that are currently on offer in the Co-op in the village for £1) it may make you feel bilious

There are over 600 calories in one bar 

JERSEY’S FORECAST, BY CRI

It’s gonna get rreally hot and sunny this weekend and you mart go a bit kwair with the heat. If the taads not aaht you could go forra swim dan the faav maal road, ma lav.

IS IT GONNAE RAIN AGAIN IN WEST LINTON?

Aye, ut is gonnae rain. We may have a wee but of sun tae and its gonnae be ‘boil ya heid’ whot. 

Boo’s Bulletin

Yet another exciting addition to the blog. Interesting news from Jersey or West Linton or anywhere really. 

Channelonline reported this evening that the dangerous craze of ‘planking’ had reached the Channel Islands. Some astute person pointed out that there were 52 planks in the States Chambers and then a rather mean person said that ‘all beans are planks.’ I’ll have you know that I’m a bean and I went to Snelier Girls School thank you very much and I know all of my times tables (but the 9 times table has always been a bit of a challenge).

There’s not much news in West Linton at the moment. Someone has let their dog do a doo-doo on the lower green and not picked it up. When I used to live in Jersey someone used to make little flags out of cocktail sticks and stick them in dog doo-doos around Queens Valley reservoir with little messages on the flags berating the naughty dog owners. Perhaps we could  make little flags here too and stick them in the doo-doos. In fact, we could be entrepreneurial and sell advertising space on the flags. The Co-op could advertise their buy one get one free offers on it (or that Dairy Milk that’s on offer) or leading up to the next election it could be used for publicity for the different political parties ie IF YOU VOTE LABOUR WE’LL MAKE SURE OWNERS DON’T LET THEIR DOGS CRAP ON THE GREEN.

WORD DU JOUR

Troglodyte: A cave dweller, especially one of the prehistoric people who were thought to have lived in caves

An example of how you may wish to use this in a sentence amongst your Jersey friends..

I pulled this bird from sintwons larst naght, eh and chraaast when ah sobered up she looked lark a raght troglodyte, mon vie. In fact, I’ve made up a love poem abat ‘er

I pulled this bird last naght

She looked like a raght troglodyte

As if she’d lost a bladdy aggressive faght

And to make it worse I dant think she could reed or raat

JOOLS  TRANSLATES FOR YOU

Today, I am going to translate a typical Jersey sentence into Scoottesh. It’s commonly used and once you have the hang of it you’ll be able to understand islanders much easier….

There’s a narse view of the faav marl road from the top of La Pulente, eh?

Ya see frae over thar, pal? Yous git a stoatin view of the Five Mile Road.

BITS N BOBS

HANGOVER REMEDIES

A brisk walk and some fresh fruit and vegetables and plenty of water and some vitamin pills.

Errrrr, I don’t think so. Sod that for a game of soldiers. Here’s the only remedy known to mankind….

One family bar of Dairy Milk chocolate (as already mentioned, currently on offer in the Co-op, West Linton)

And

A satellite dish sized cheese burger and fries

And

Giant pack of Doritos Chilli Heatwave Tortilla Chips (and they’re not for sharing)

And

Two bottles of Linoti Pinot Grigio (Tesco sell it by the case at a discounted rate and you get 51 club points)

LIFE ADVICE

‘Ne’er trust a man who when left alone wi’ a tea cosy he doesnae try ut on.’

THE FUNNY STORY

When I was a WPC I was on ‘earlys’ one morning staggering across the police yard at 5.15am, all bleary eyed on my way to the female changing rooms. One of my colleagues who shall remain nameless (WPC Tracey Le Neveu) had spied me on the way over. Now our Trace had a gift for burping so loud it could picked up by seisometers. She thought it would be fun to wait at the door of the locker room and then when I entered she planned to say ‘hello’ loudly to me at the same time as she burped. She is such a talent. So she stood waiting and listening for the footsteps coming up the corridor and then just as the door opened she let rip.  A full scale echoey ‘hello’ belch that reverberated around the police station. Unfortunately, it wasn’t me who had opened the door, it was our female shift sergeant. I was walking a few yards behind our skipper. Our sergeant didn’t laugh. I did, I had to stick my head into my locker amongst all the uniform to smother my giggles. 

Abi’tot ma cock.